Captain Diego

Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"
Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt."
The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.
A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious. After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?"
The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired."
The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"
The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants."

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Go to a Dentist

A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to the procedure.

When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said "don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. The patient went on to explain that he had two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth.

To the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince.

The dentist, quite astonished remarked " that was amazing, the two recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must have been something special, would you care to tell me about them".

The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man replied "when I ran out of chain"

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Who's in the Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

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Clock for Liars

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

Tell a friend:

Hard Political Work

"My uncle ran for Senate last year."

"Really? What does he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected."

Tell a friend:

A bad conductor

A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?""Yes", answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?"The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.

When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go then?", the man asks."I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".

The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.

The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner."Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time.

The man sits down in the chair smiling."What's your final wish?", asks the executioner."Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair.

When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"

Tell a friend:

Letters to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it was those bastards at the Post Office.

Edna

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Valentine's Day Dream

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means? "

"You'll know tonight.... "he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it---only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

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