Three Brothers From China

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved to America, they decided to change their names.

Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu...

well, he had to go back to China.

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A funny story

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are! The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

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Will You Marry Me?

The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.

After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says: "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers: "No problem!! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,

"OK. I cut. I cut."

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So many beautiful girls here, I can't...

So many beautiful girls here, but I have to...

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Three Children

A couple had three children.Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull,ugly, and backward.

One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear.Is this third child really mine?"

"Yes, dear, but the other two are not." replied the wife.

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Children of the Eighties

We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak.
We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut.We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My LittlePonies and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a little bit like I would when I was a woman.
Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape player, Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's.
Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Stringsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The Gummy Bears and why did they take the Snorks off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and step-families, the Polka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated?
We are the ones who still read Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric Company. Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes - preferably hightop Velcro Reeboks - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you cool.
The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot?
Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream, and those years defined us.
We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties.

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Funny Picture

Today I have a photo for you! Dou you know Taiwan is a province of China?

Text on the girl's T-shirt is: "I belong to you for ever!"

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Sex Chinese Style

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.
The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!
The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.

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Borrowing a Cow

A man once wanted to borrow a cow from a wealthy man, so he had his servant send a note to the wealthy man. The rich man, who was entertaining some guests, took the note and ashamed to be taken as an illiterate, pretended to be able to read it. When reading it he nodded his head repeatedly.
"I know," the rich man said to the messenger, "I'll go myself in a moment."

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Same Illnese

A man named Zhang Xuze, after having his bed repaired and embellished, wanted to show it off. As no one was likely to come into his bedroom to look at it, he hit upon an idea. Pretending to be ill, he kept to his bed so that his in-laws and friends might come over to see him.

His brother-in-law, You Yangzi, who had a pair of new stockings knitted, wanted to show it off, too. The day he came over to see Zhang, he purposely tucked up his robe as he sat down and lifted one leg, putting the ankle of it on the knee of the other.

Then he inquired: "Well, what's wrong with you?"

Zhang Xuzi, looking at him for some time, could not help smiling. "We have the same illness," was the reply.

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Happy Reading

Singh stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, sir?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

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Selling Wine

A man went to the wine seller's at midnight to buy wine. The wine seller, hearing several knocks at the door, said without opening it: "Just throw in your coppers through the crack in the door."
"But," inquired the man, "how are you going to get the wine out?"
"Through the crack," was the reply.
At that the man laughed.
"I'm not joking," said the wine seller," you see, my wine here is quite thin. "

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Funny but Dumb Quotes From the World of Sports

"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'"
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar

"He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size."
-Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown

"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together

"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966

"Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."
-Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)

"I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports."
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.

"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.

"Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same."
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.

"It's basically the same, just darker."
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
-Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator

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Parents and children

As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be built on. I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh. So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson. "Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"

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