HOW NOT TO COMMIT A BANK ROBBERY

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers. Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. Don't Sign Your Demand Note: Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. Don't Advertise: A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. Consider Another Line Of Work: Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Be Strong: Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

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New York City Poll

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker.

He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"

The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"

The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"

The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me'?"

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Sun Vs. Moon

Once there was a debate between two countries, USA and China, one thousand years ago.

Ten distinguished people from each country met in the Himalayas for the debate. The debate was on who was most important - the sun or the moon. Each side presented their arguments and counter-arguments for days but they could not settle.

Finally on the 11th day the Americans defeated the Chinese in the debate and concluded that it was the moon which was more important than the sun, "because the moon gives us light in the night when it is dark, but sun gives us light in the day-when it is not necessary!!"

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Sick About Money

A and B were good friends. One day, B heard that A was ill and went to see him. He asked the worried A, "What disease do you suffer and what do you want? Tell me and I will try my best to help you out. "

"I'm suffering from a disease called Money Shortage Syndrome. Five grams of silver is enough to cure my illness." A answered.
Pretending not to have heard him, B asked, "What did you say?"

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Funny Picture

A beggar and a dog

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Kung Fu

Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.

"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.

Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."

"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."

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Tell me the color!

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born."

The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don't you know what color the child is going to be?"

"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is."

"OK", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?"

"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.

"Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"

"Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Asian?"

"Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying.

"Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"

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