Dilbert Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."(Lykes Lines Shipping)"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Tell a friend:

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)

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Mother And Daughter

MOM: have I not told you that when a boy touches yo boobs you say don't?

Daughter: yes mom you did

MOM: and have I also told you that when a boy touches you private parts you say stop?

Daughter: yes mom you did

MOM: then why did you allow him to touch you boobs and private parts?

Daughter: but mom, he touched both thats why I said don't stop

Tell a friend:

Sexy Sister-In-Law

This is a joke I found on the Internet

I was a very happy person.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me , it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was always flirting with me. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and whisper some dirty words to me, smiling. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her underwear and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

Tell a friend:

Sexy Sister-In-Law

This is a joke I found on the Internet

I was a very happy person.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me , it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was always flirting with me. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and whisper some dirty words to me, smiling. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her underwear and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

Tell a friend:

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That's not right...Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...Dum Gai

Small Horse...Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...Yu Stin Ki Pu

Tell a friend:

Gone Fishing

There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.

They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing"?

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet!"

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