80 is the worst age of all

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crapevery morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Tell a friend:

Before the wedding

Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding. The husband to be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.

The wife to be on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what shehas to do. 'All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him.' She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat.. 'Aisle, altar,him.' 'Aisle, altar, him.' 'Aisle, altar, him.'

For those who don't get the joke, say the last three words a couple of times real fast out loud.

Tell a friend:

Because you ...

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only oneparachute.
*Pessimist:* you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jumpanyway.
*Optimist:* you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumpsjust like this before.
*Procrastinator:* you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
*Bureaucrat:* you order them to conduct a feasibility study onparachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
*Lawyer:* you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
*Doctor:* you tell them you need to run more tests, then take theparachute in order to make your next appointment.
*Sales executive:* you sell them the parachute at top retail rates andget the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
*Internal Revenue Service:* you confiscate the parachute along withtheir luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
*Advertiser:* you strip-tease while singing that what they need is aneon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
*Engineer:* you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains anddental floss.
*Scientist:* you give them the parachute and ask them to send you areport on how well it worked.
*Mathematician:* you refuse to accept the parachute without proof thatit will work in all cases.
*Philosophy:* you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
*English:* you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachuteinstructions.
*Comparative Literature:* you read the parachute instructions in allfour languages.
*Computer Science:* you design a machine capable of operating aparachute as well as a human being could.
*Economics:* you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regularintervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
*Psychoanalysis:* you ask them what the shape of a parachute remindsthem of.
*Drama:* you tie them down so they can watch you develop the characterof a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
*Art:* you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
*Republican:* as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to workhard and not expect handouts.
*Democrat:* you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cutthe parachute into two equal pieces.
*Libertarian:* after reminding them of their constitutional right tohave a parachute, you take it and jump out.
*Ross Perot:* you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you longto learn how to fix a plane.
*Surgeon General:* you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardousto your health.
*Association of Tobacco Growers:* you explain very patiently thatdespite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no linkwhatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
*National Rifle Association:* you shoot them and take the parachute.
*Police Bigot:* you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
*Environmentalist:* you refuse to use the parachute unless it isbiodegradable.
*Objectivist:* your only rational and moral choice is to take theparachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
*Branch Davidian (David Koresh):* you get inside the parachute andrefuse to come out.
*Sports Fan:* you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
*Auto Mechanic:* as long as you are looking at the plane engine, itworks fine.

Tell a friend:

Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

Tell a friend: