A Matter For Regret

The revered Mr. Lu, bereft of his spouse in his declining years, took a young woman named Zhu as second wife. Unhappy about the union, Zhu was often seen knitting her brows. One day, Mr. Lu asked her: "Do you regret that you have married an old man?"
"No,"
"You're unhappy because my official rank is too low?"
"No, it's not that."
"Then why are you so unhappy?"
"Neither your old age nor your low rank is the cause of my regret. My only regret is that I was born too late to have met you when you were young."

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No Problem

One day a man went off to the market to buy rice. Unfortunately, he lost the sack on the way. He went home and told his wife, "The market is too busy today, and besides I lost our sack."

His wife asked nervously, "So, what about the money?"

"Oh, no problem. It's safe. I have tied it to the bottom of the sack."

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Poor Boy

In a poor, rural farming province of China, a gas station sold its gas for 150 yen per liter. Those few who had cars often would barter their produce for the gas, instead of paying in cash. This worked, provided the gas station manager allowed it, since, he couldn't always use the motley collection of foodstuffs that would come in. A local cook, Chef Po, was renowned for a special heavy cream sauce, which he sold for one yen per serving. The manager loved the stuff, and always took Po's goods in exchange for the fuel.
In time, the manager had to raise the price of gasoline to two hundred yen. Chef Po, who could ill afford the increase, angrily stormed up to the manager's office door and protested the price by flinging two hundred spoonfuls of sauce against the door and walls. When the manager came in later, he saw the mess, and cried, "Who did this?"
The attendant said," It was Po! He was very angry at the price increase. What shall we do if he comes back?"
The manager looked at him and growled, "Do not gas Po! Do not collect two hundred dollops!"

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Missionary Position

I'm a 3rd generation Cantonese-American and have pretty much forgotten the language. Hey, I wasn't even raised with it spoken in my household, but I live in a predominantly Asian neighborhood anyway. Well, Mormons, whom we all know and love(*cough*), have to save their money during childhood so that they may go on missionary expeditions when they hit seventeen years of age or so. Some even become Urban Mormons, where they trek to distant(?) parts of Suburbia, seeking converts.
So, one day, there was a knock at my door. So upon answering, Lo! And Behold! Who should be standing there, but two young, aspiring Jehovah's Witn-... I mean, Mormon Missionaries. Both were Caucasian, and one was holding a copy of Halston's Mandarin/English Dictionary. The Mormon holding the dictionary greeted me in a foreign language, presumably Mandarin, which I didn't understand. However, I chose to say nothing; I merely furrowed my brow and intensified my gaze. Astute, as they were, the missionaries were quick to realize that I had not comprehended a single word they said, so they squabbled:
Missionary #1: I told you he wasn't Mandarin.
Missionary #2: Apparently not. He's probably wondering what we're trying to say.
Missionary #1: Maybe he's Vietnamese.
Missionary #2: (Pulls out Vietnamese/English Dictionary.) Perhaps. The Word of God was meant to reach all tongues.
So the second Missionary repeated his greeting in Vietnamese. I only shrugged my shoulders. The other Mormon pulled out a Japanese Dictionary, assuming that I might have been the same. Again, I merely shrugged, and we ran the same gauntlet for the Korean language.
I had to admit, though, that I began to tire of this game. Taking a deep breath, I shouted, "YOU DAMN FOREIGNERS! WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM AND STOP TAKING OUR JOBS?!?"
With that, I slammed the door in a grandiose fashion and couldn't stop laughing for two hours afterward.
T.S. Elliot (who wrote the book that Cats was based on) had a more novel method of dealing with door-to-door missionaries. One day, some Jehovah's Witnesses showed up on his doorstep with a can and said, "Money for Jehovah?" To which Elliot responded, "Great! I'm Jehovah! How much have you gathered for me?"
They left in a huff.

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Naming a Pussy Cat

Once there was a man named Qi Yan who had a pussy cat, and believing it to be rare, named it "Tiger Cat."
One of his guests said, "Brave as a tiger is, it is not so vigorous as a dragon. Why not name it Dragon Cat?"
Another one suggested, "No doubt a dragon is more vigorous than a lion, yet a dragon needs the aid of floating clouds to soar up into the sky. Aren't clouds more noble than a dragon? You'd better call it Cloud Cat."
A third reasoned, "It's true that clouds can cover the sky, but they scatter the moment the wind appears. Wind is more powerful than clouds, so name your cat Wind Cat."
A fourth argued, "However strong the wind is, it is blocked wherever there is a wall, Wall Cat would be much better."
A fifth made his suggestion: "As solid as a wall is, a mouse can make a hole in it. A wall will no longer be strong if there are holes. How can a wall be a match for a mouse? My advice is to call it Mouse Cat."
An old man in the village overheard the men arguing and laughed. "Ah! It's a cat that catches mice. A cat is a cat. Why bother naming it after something else and making it lose its own identity?"

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Murphy brothers

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."

The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says: " And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too."

About this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"

The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

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Restaurant Owner

A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says "Yes, but before we do, there's something you must know. I have never had the sex, but I've read about it." He says that it's not a problem, and they are married. On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she's a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says "Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sex, but I've read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69. The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says "You want.. the beef and broccoli?"

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Funny pictures of Chinese stars

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A Snake Bite On The Twelfth Moon Doesn't Bite

During the Sui Dynasty (581-618), there lived a clever man who spoke with a slight stutter. Whenever the Minister Yang Su felt bored and listless, he would invite this man over to have a chat. One evening toward the close of the year when they sat facing each other, Yang asked him more in jest than in earnest: " Supposing you find yourself in a pit ten feet deep and ten feet in circumference, how would you get out?"
The man lowered his head, meditating for some time, and asked: " Is there a 1-1-ladder?"
"No," replied Yang. " I wouldn't have asked you if there were a ladder."
Again the man lowered his head meditating. Some time later, he inquired: " In br-br-broad daylight? Or at n-n-night?"
" No need to ask whether it's in broad daylight or at night," replied Yang." The question is how would you get out."
" I'm not blind," reported the man. " If it isn't after night-fall, how the hell could I fall into it?"
At that Yang burst out laughing and followed up with another question: " Supposing you were a general sent to a small city besieged by an enemy tens of thousands strong. The garrison there numbered less than one thousand, and the provisions would suffice only for a few days. What would you do?"
The man hung down his head, pondering over the problem for a long time. Then he asked: " Any re-reinforcements for-forthcoming?"
" No, " replied Yang, " that's why I asked you."
After muttering to himself for a good while, the man raised his head and said: " If the situation is as you said, I'm afraid we're just about done for."
At that Yang burst into laughter again and then put to the man the last question: " I know you're a very capable man and there's scarcely anything you can't do. It so happened that someone in my family got bitten today by a snake. Will you see to the snake bite?"
" Well," said the man in response," go to the south wall and get hold of some s-snow which fell on the fifth day of the fifth moon. Ap-apply it to the bite, and he'll get well in no time."
" But," protested Yang, " it never snows in the fifth moon."
" No," the man agreed. " In the twelfth moon, where can you find a snake that bites?"
Much amused by his remarks, Yang Su let the man go.

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A funny picture

Tody thousands of Chinese using Tencent QQ as their favorite online
chat tools. Are you using QQ? This is a funny picture used while chating online.

The link below is to claim my blog on Technorati.com.
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Chinese Cure

A rich man often went to Bangkok for the night life and before long he contracted sexual disease. So one day, he went to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor examine his private part and said, "This is a very severe case. We have no other way but to cut it away. otherwise, it will spread and become worse."
The businessman was shocked. the last thing he wanted was to have it cut and end his night life. He went to other doctors but all gave the same diagnosis.
Desperate he thought, "Why don't I consult traditional Chinese medicine. They might have some surprises"
So, the Chinese doctor gave him an examination and the doctor said," We don't have to cut. I'll give you herbs to rub."
The rich man was so happy. "Wow no operation, you are better than western medicine. I'm amazed, So what is the exact secret?"
The Chinese doctor said, "Just wait for three days. It will drop by itself."

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